go away guilt

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of feeling
guilty for something
that is beyond my control.

Other people lay the
guilt on.
Like my FIL
who makes comments
about us not having
a baby.
He once was in a
baby store while
my MIL was buying
a gift for a friend.
The salesperson asked
if the gift was for their
My FIL said:
"I wish"

Oh the guilt
and the pain.
My DH is an
only child.
No child for him.
No grandchild for

I tried. I suffered
through multiple
IUI's and IVF.
I was poked, prodded
and exposed to all
the mean things that
the GYN Dr. could offer.

And still it didn't happen.

Most of the time
I can blow the guilt away.
But some days, it hangs over
me like a dark cloud.

I want to be defined by
my other achievements,
not by whether I was
Doesn't it matter that I
have a college education?
A good job? That I
wrote and published
children's books? That I ran
a 5K? That I serve on the
board of directors for an
infertility support organization?
That I was published in a
Canadian infertility magazine?
That I worked twenty years
in an Emergency Room and
helped save many lives?

How can all those things be
treated as trivial? Why is
"infertile" how I am

Guilt go away.
I have to study for
my college class, I have
to send out some books
I've sold, I have to go
to work in the IVF Clinic
and try and help someone else
achieve a pregnancy, so
they don't have to feel the
guilt that comes with the
failure to achieve a
Go away guilt. I'm too busy
moving on with my life.

Two IS A Family

Sometimes, when we
are struggling with infertility
and under a mountain of pain,
it is hard to remember that we
have a partner. Someone we
promised to love, honor and
Someone we married to become
a family.

When the holidays roll around,
so much of the world is focused on
toys and Santa and children.
It is then we need to get closer to
our partner and remember why
we fell in love and what the good
parts of our relationship are.

By remembering that "two is a
family" we will be able to cope better and
maybe., just next year, it will
be three.....

What to do if you find yourself infertile

I guess the title is a little
This post isn't about medical treatments
or doctors.
It's about still feeling good about
yourself in spite of all the pain.

I decided to take some of my
anger and pain and go back
to school.

I once had a counselor say to me
"Take all this angry energy and go
get your PhD."
(wise woman!)
Well, I'm not getting my PhD, but I am
going back to college.

Believe me, returning to college
after 20 years, takes your mind
TOTALLY off infertility!
In fact, your head is spinning so
fast, you won't even have a
moment to yourself!
You won't have one minute to
obsess, think about your period,
do any medical treatments,
or keep up with your blog

So, I haven't gone away,
I haven't forgotten
about my blog or any of you.
I'm just taking my angry energy
and going back to college!

I'll still be posting between
class, tests and breaks!