tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-130738462024-03-13T19:13:01.851-07:00Wishing For A BabyA place to view information, share stories and find comfort as you travel down the path of infertility.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-79500134799953015682015-03-31T09:02:00.004-07:002015-03-31T09:02:43.433-07:00<h2>
Infertility</h2>
<h3>
What it Feels Like</h3>
<br />
<i>This material was prepared by Ferre Institute, Inc., a non-profit
organization dedicated to promoting the health of individuals and
families by providing information and education on genetics,
infertility, environmental exposures, and family health history.</i><br />
<br />
<b>I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want
you to understand my struggle.</b><br />
I know that understanding infertility is
difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This
struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear
that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my
ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share
my feelings with you. I want you to understand.<br />
<br />
<b>You may</b> describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed,
envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical.
These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my
infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused,
rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed,
angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.<br />
<br />
<b>My Infertility</b> makes me feel <b>confused</b>. I always assumed I was fertile.
I’ve spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t
conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution
such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be
pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try
longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.<br />
<br />
<b>My infertility</b> makes me feel <b>rushed and impatient</b>. I learned of my
infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time.
My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent
and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments,
wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my
partner not to be out of town, and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have
only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish
having my family?<br />
<br />
<b>My Infertility</b> makes me feel <b>afraid</b>. Infertility is full of unknowns,
and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will
this last? What if I’m never a parent? What humiliation must I endure?
What pain must I suffer? Why do the drugs I take to help me, make me
feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do?
Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my
undependable body, and afraid of my future. <br />
<br />
<b>My infertility</b> makes me feel<b> isolated and alone</b>. Reminders of babies are
everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I
stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows
how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find
myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing
perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.<br />
<br />
<b>My infertility</b> makes me feel <b>guilty and ashamed</b>. Frequently I forget
that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one.
Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure.Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy
of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to
remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be
ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and feel ashamed.<br />
<br />
<b>My infertility</b> makes me <b>feel angry</b>. Everything makes me angry, and I
know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it
has betrayed me even thought I’ve always taken care of it. I’m angry at
my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at
the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.<br />
<br />
<b>I’m angry</b> at my family because they’ve always sheltered and protected me
from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a
family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to
pass down family heirlooms. I’m angry at my medical caregivers, because
it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain
on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am.
How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me?<br />
<br />
<b>I’m angry </b>at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive.
My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance
company isn’t cooperative , and I must make so many sacrifices to pay
the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more
travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.<br />
<br /><b>My Infertility</b> makes me feel <b>sad and hopeless</b>. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I’m sad that I've ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties, and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.<br />
<br /><b>My infertility</b> makes me <b>feel unsettled</b>. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and house guests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.<br />
<br />
<b>Occasionally I feel</b> my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to
cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m
learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my
needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are
not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an
infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.<br />
<br /><br />Ferre Institute, Inc.<br />124 Front Street<br />Binghamton, NY 13905<br />Phone: 607-724-4308<br />Fax: 607-724-8290<br />www.ferre.org<br />
<br />Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-84427992169614182082015-03-01T10:39:00.000-08:002015-03-01T10:39:14.029-08:00Why Do Fertility Treatments Cost So Much???An average fresh IVF cycle using your<br />
own eggs and your husband's sperm<br />
costs $14,000 - $17,000! Each time<br />
you do it!<br />
Some insurances cover it and some<br />
do not. <br />
<br />
If you need donor "anything",<br />
your insurance may cover<br />
it or they may not cover<br />
a thing and then you are<br />
expected to pay out of pocket!<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Isn't it bad enough that you are<br />
having so many problems getting<br />
pregnant? And then to top it off,<br />
you finally go for fertility<br />
treatments and find out it will cost<br />
you an arm and a leg (not that you<br />
wouldn't give a limb to get<br />
pregnant!)<br />
<br />
How the hell is that fair?<br />
Is it fair that you have no eggs<br />
or your eggs are too old<br />
or your husband has no sperm?<br />
Is it fair that you physically cannot<br />
carry a pregnancy?<br />
<br />
Isn't enough that you have been<br />
on the "trying to make a baby"<br />
merry-go-round with countless<br />
months and years of<br />
disappointment?<br />
<br />
How are people supposed<br />
to come up with that kind<br />
of money? <br />
<br />
Yeah, celebrities do it (and<br />
pretend they don't)<br />
but they make ridiculous<br />
salaries.<br />
<br />
Instead of happily shopping for<br />
baby clothes, nursery furniture,<br />
awesome toys and signing up for<br />
all those "wish list" items on<br />
your baby registry you have to make<br />
a freaking decision such as "should I buy<br />
a house or should I 'buy'<br />
a pregnancy????<br />
<br />
No one should have to make a<br />
decision like that..............<br />
<br />
If insurance pays for birth control,<br />
abortions, Viagra, difficult pregnancies<br />
and neonatal care, they should have<br />
to pay for reproductive technology.<br />
Otherwise that is discrimination<br />
against women who cannot get<br />
pregnant in the conventional way.<br />
<br />Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-116166722950701962015-02-12T07:44:00.004-08:002015-02-12T07:44:55.578-08:00Excellent Article To Help Parents Explain the Story of their Donor Conception<br />
<b>PEDIATRIC NURSING/May-June 2012/Vol. 38/No. 3 </b><br />
<br />
The Child’s Advocate in Donor<br />Conceptions: The Telling of the Story<br />by Kris A. Probasco<br />
<br />
<br />Traditionally, to create a child, there is a joining of<br />a woman’s egg and a man’s sperm via sexual intercourse.<br />When, by choice or by happenstance, this<br />process is not available, modern persons have<br />access to additional methods. These methods stem from the<br />donation of materials originating in others, a donated egg,<br />donated sperm, or more recently, a donated fertilized<br />frozen embryo. The donations range from easily obtained<br />material (sperm) to complexly obtained material (eggs) to<br />material created via a large sum of money and effort by the<br />donors (embryo) (see Figure 1). As in traditional adoption,<br />the donor procedure of creating a child involves a minimum<br />of two parties, one in whom the gamete material was<br />created and one who accepts this material to obtain a child.<br />
<br />
<br />
Figure 1.<br />Definitions<br /><i><b>Donated Egg</b></i>: Transfer of preovulatory oocytes from voluntary<br />donor to a suitable host. Oocytes are collected through an invasive<br />procedure, fertilized in vitro, and transferred to the host.<br /><i><b>Donated Sperm</b></i>: Collection of ejaculated sperm from voluntary<br />donor used to fertilize egg in human host or in vitro.<br /><i><b>Donated Embryo</b></i>: Embryo that has been created through in<br />vitro fertilization in excess of what was used by the gestating<br />woman. Often frozen for further use, recent trend to donate for<br />adoption by others.<br /><br />The history of donor conception dates back to 1884,<br />when the first case of donor insemination was documented.<br />At that time, physicians were using their own sperm for<br />conception (Snowden, 1983). The first documented case of<br />egg donation was in 1983 (Buster et al., 1983), and embryo<br />placement and adoption began in 1997 (“Embryo adoption<br />becoming the rage,” 2009). Donor conceptions are provided<br />for couples with male or female infertility, individuals<br />who have a genetic disorder they do not want to pass on to<br />
a child, second marriages where there was a vasectomy in<br />the first marriage, single women, and the lesbian and gay<br />population. Estimates are that thousands of children are<br />born by donor conception each year in the United States,<br />more than the number of infants placed in traditional<br />adoptions.<br />This article suggests the assistance families will need in<br />sharing the stories of their children’s beginnings with<br />them. This author believes that keeping origins secret can<br />be detrimental to a child’s mental health, and that open<br />donation, similar to open adoption, is most helpful in the<br />healthy family system. <br /><br />
<b>Preparing for Parenthood</b><br />Unlike the traditional method of pregnancy in which<br />one-third of all pregnancies are unplanned, using donor<br />material takes some intention. An essential step in the<br />process is coming to terms with the choice to use donor<br />material. Parents must accept that this chosen alternative is<br />different. Grieving the loss of personal ability to create the<br />genetic offspring, the loss of the biological child or a marriage<br />or relationship that would create a genetic child is an<br />important factor in being prepared to parent children<br />through a donor conception. Mental health therapists have<br />found through experience as counselors to families that<br />without preparation of the parents through education and<br />courses, the losses tend to become the responsibility and<br />burden of the child. Mental health therapists believe a child<br />should be born into a family without having to cure the situation<br />that brought donor conception to the family. For<br />many, a history of infertility has preceded the decision for<br />a donor conception. Acknowledgement and acceptance of<br />all losses connected to the infertility struggle is a part of<br />parenting preparation.<br /> For couples planning to parent a child by donor conception,<br />it is vital that both individuals emotionally accept the<br />decision for a donor. The infertile couple needs assistance<br />from others to make the conception medically possible.<br />The nature vs. nurture debate has been illuminated by years<br />of adoption research (Bouchard, Lykken, McGue, Segal, &<br />Tellegan, 1989) that who we become is approximately 50%<br />nature and 50% nurture. Those who choose sperm or egg<br />donation must accept the significance of the genetic component in their child’s life. For an embryo placement, the<br />child’s complete genetics are connected to another family.<br />Thus, it is important that parents learn as much as they can<br />about the donors they are ‘inviting into their home,’ accept<br />that another person or family is helping to conceive the<br />child, and that the child may have life-long genetic, social,<br />and emotional connections to that family.<br />
Earlier in my career as a social worker in the infertility<br />and donor world, there was very little information, if any,<br />provided regarding the anonymous donors. Sperm and eggs<br />came privately or with very basic medical information. This<br />has now changed. Resources are now available to select a<br />donor’s genetic material based on social, psychological, and<br />medical information, including pictures, videos, and audio<br />tapes, and identified donors who can be available for medical<br />emergency and as social contacts at a later date. In<br />embryo placement, there are open arrangements so the<br />genetic family and prospective adoptive family know about<br />each other and continue to be a resource for both families<br />as their children grow in understanding their particular stories.<br /><br /><br /><b>Education</b><br />Whether traditional adoption, donor conception, or<br />embryo placement, education of prospective parents is<br />mandatory. Educational resources are increasingly available,<br />including books, children’s books, the Infertility<br />Network from Canada, and the Donor Sibling Registry (see<br />Figures 2 and 3). All of these resources have Internet connections<br />for those in the decision-making process and families<br />who are parenting children, and also include messages<br />from those who came to a family by donor conception. It<br />is important to learn from those who have come before us<br />so parents can become effective advocates for their children.<br /> In adoption, it is positive for families to announce their<br />decision to their family and friends to gain their support.<br />Because a donor conception includes a pregnancy in the<br />family, the question of whether to go public is more difficult.<br />While families deserve some privacy regarding personal<br />decisions, it is well known from family systems theory<br />that secrets cause problems. From my clinical experience, it<br />is generally best that couples who are successful with a<br />donor conception share with family and friends. It benefits<br />the family to celebrate the unique arrival of this child and<br />to share in the celebration because this will be a very important<br />part in the child’s story.<br /><br /><b>Figure 2.<br />Readings</b><br /><u><b>Young Children (Ages 3 to 10)</b></u><br />How I Began: The Story of Donor Insemination, by N.S.W.<br />Infertility Social Workers Group, J. Paul, (Ed.), 1988, Port<br />Melbourne, Australia: The Fertility Society of Australia.<br /><br />
Let Me Explain: A Story About Donor Insemination, by J.<br />Schnitter, 1995, Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press.<br /><br />
Mommy, Did I Grow in Your Tummy? Where Some Babies<br />Come From, by E. Gordon, 1992, California: E.M.<br />Greenberg Press, Inc.<br /><br />
My Story/Our Story, by Donor Conception Network, 2002,<br />London: Donor Conception Network.<br /><br />
Phoebe’s Family: A Story about Egg Donation, by L. Stamm,<br />2010, Niskayuna, NY: Graphite Press.<br /><br />
Sometimes It Takes 3 to Make a Baby: Explaining Egg<br />Donation to Young Children, by K. Bourne, 2002,<br />Melbourne, Australia: Melbourne IVF.<br /><br />
The Family Book, by T. Parr, 2003, New York: Little, Brown &<br />Co.<br /><br />
Before You Were Born, Our Wish for a Baby, by J. Grimes,<br />2004, Webster, IA: X, Y, and Me.<br /><u><b> </b></u><br />
<u><b>Older Children (12 and Older)</b></u><br /><br />
Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame,<br />by M. Marrissette, 2006, New York: Be-Mondo Publishing<br />Inc.<br /><br />
Who Am I? Experiences of Donor Conception, by A.<br />McWhinnie, 2006, Warwickshire, UK: Idreos Education<br />Trust.<br /><u><b> </b></u><br />
<u><b>Nurses and Parents</b></u><br /><br />
Building a Family with the Assistance of Donor Insemination,<br />by K. Daniels, 2004, Wellington, New Zealand: Dunmore<br />Press.<br /><br />
Choosing to be Open about Donor Conception: Experiences<br />of Parents, by S. Pettle and J. Burns, 2002, London: Donor Conception Network.<br /><br />
Experience of Donor Conception: Parents, Offspring &<br />Donors through the Years, by C. Lorbach, 2003, London:<br />Jessica Kingsley Publishers.<br /><br />
Families Following Assisted Conception: What Do We Tell our<br />Child? by A. McWhinnie, 1996, Dundee, UK: University<br />of Dundee.<br /><br />
Telling and Talking About Donor Conception: A Guide for<br />Parents, by Donor Conception Network, 2006. London:<br />Donor Conception Network.<br /><br />
Third Party Assisted Conception Across Cultures: Social,<br />Legal & Ethical Perspectives, by E. Blyth and R. Landau,<br />2003, London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.<br /><br />
Truth & the Child 10 Years On: Information Exchange in<br />Donor Assisted Conception, edited by E. Blyth, M.<br />Crawshaw, and J. Speirs, 1998, Birmingham, UK: British<br />Association of Social Workers.<br /><br />
Lethal Secrets, The Psychology of Donor Insemination<br />Problems and Solutions, by A. Baron and R. Pannor,<br />2008, Las Vegas, NV: Triadoption Publications .<br /><br />
Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough<br />Questions and Building Strong Families, by D. Ehrensaft,<br />2005, New York: Guilford Press.<br /><br />
Note: Many of these publications are available through the<br />Infertility Network (www.InfertilityNetwork.org).<br /><br />
<br />
<b>Figure 3.<br />Web Sites of Interest</b><br /><br />
The Donor Sibling Registry<br />www.donorsiblingregistry.com<br /><br />
Infertility Network<br />www.InfertilityNetwork.org<br /><br />
Embryo Adoption Awareness Center<br />www.embryoadoption.org<br /><br />
Adoptive Families (magazine)<br />www.adoptivefamilies.com<br /><br />
American Society for Reproductive Medicine<br />www.asrm.org<br /><br /><u><b>Legal Issues</b></u><br /><br />
Legal issues with donor conception are evolving. Many<br />states have legislation regarding sperm donor insemination,<br />few states have legislation regarding egg donation,<br />and only one state has legislation regarding embryo placement.<br />In the Kansas City area, both Kansas and Missouri<br />have legislation for sperm donation. There is no legislation<br />for egg donation or embryo placement. In my practice, we<br />recommend a stepparent adoption in egg donation and a<br />full adoption for embryo placement with an adoption<br />decree. Recognizing what legal liabilities are present for a<br />child born by donor conception in the state of residency<br />provides for the child’s security.<br /><b> </b><br />
<u><b>The Child’s Story</b></u><br /><br />
<i><b>Beginning the Story</b></i><br />The basic need of a child brought to any family is a positive<br />attitude about his or her conception, birth, and family.<br />Accepting the child as an individual with a unique,<br />genetic history is a crucial factor for donor conceptions.<br />The parents’ decision to bring a child into their family by<br />donor represents the first step for creating a positive story.<br />As in traditional adoption, it is the parents’ job to tell all<br />they know regarding their donor conception to help the<br />child understand. There is an attachment process during<br />the child’s growing years, which is enhanced by honest stories<br />about how the child came to be. We want a child/adult<br />to say they do not remember being told because they<br />always knew how they came into the family.<br /><br />
<i><b>Infancy</b></i><br />During the child’s infancy is a time for parents to practice<br />talking to their child with positive language and feelings.<br />“We so wanted to be parents. We were meant to be<br />your parents. We are so happy that we got help. Many people<br />assisted us in your coming to our family, especially our<br />donor.” Tone of voice communicates pride, love, and celebration,<br />explaining, “We have so much to tell you and we<br />are so excited for you to understand how you came into our<br />family.” Continue the positive language and talk basically<br />throughout the child’s growing years.<br /><br />
<i><b>Early Childhood</b></i><br />Some details can be helpful in the understanding process<br />for the child in early childhood. Children in this stage are<br />more aware of the world around them and basically understand<br />the concept of “family.” By this age, children will be<br />able to tell you who their family members are and how they<br />are related to each other. They do this by family experiences<br />and being exposed to different families.<br />This is a great time to start reading storybooks, and<br />many are available. The Web site www.XYandMe.com contains<br />a series of 16 books that begin and end the same, with<br />not being able to have a biological child, to the joy of having<br />a child. The middle section describes the child’s particular<br />reproduction method for coming to the family.<br />It is also a good idea to put a beginning book together of<br />pictures of the child coming home. These pictures should<br />include parents wanting a child, waiting for a positive pregnancy<br />test, the clinic where the parents received assistance<br />or picture of the sperm bank and/or egg facility, the doctor’s<br />office, pictures of the donor and/or genetic family, and pictures<br />throughout the pregnancy and birth. This book will<br />start the child from his or her beginning, which includes<br />the parents’ decision, individuals from whom they received<br />assistance, and the helper/donor who gave his or her genetics<br />for the child’s life. For a known donor situation, actual<br />pictures of the family member, friend, or extended family<br />can also be provided in the book. The message is clear, that<br />“we wanted to have children in our family, we worked really<br />hard for our children to arrive, and we accepted and celebrated<br />the assistance of many people.”<br /> This is also a time to look for opportunities to point<br />things out to children as they learn about the world around<br />them. For example, “This is a fire station, where firemen<br />help people when they are in an emergency.” “This is<br />where we went when we needed help for you to come into<br />our family.” “This is the hospital where you were born.”<br />Showing the child these places provides images and concrete<br />facts along the way. This is also an excellent time to<br />be talking to the child about the many ways that children<br />come into a family. Todd Parr (2003) has authored many<br />books about families and the importance of the love they<br />share with each other.<br /><br />
<i><b>Middle Childhood</b></i><br />During the middle years, as in adoptions, children have<br />many questions. These can occur when driving the car, seeing<br />a pregnant woman, or standing in line at a grocery<br />store. Parents are wise to “go with the flow” in terms of<br />these questions. Parents do well to keep the conversations<br />active in bringing up the subject from time to time. The<br />healthy message is that this is a comfortable subject to talk<br />about, and it is okay to ask questions. Girls tend to ask questions<br />earlier than boys. As children move into the questions<br />of how babies are made, more factual information can be<br />shared. Generally during this time, the “ah-ha” moments<br />will occur, and children will figure out what “donor” actually<br />means and then understand this genetic connection to<br />another.<br />Sex education received from parents and schools is now<br />starting to make more sense: They have inherited genes<br />from the donor and may now begin to question who their<br />‘real” parent(s) are. The questions “What is real?” and<br />“Who is real?” come into their thoughts. The realization of<br />who they are and who their identity is to become is not a<br />shock because of all the early telling. However, there is<br />some sadness when children actually understand that one<br />or both of their parents is not genetically connected to<br />them.<br />During this time, the child will ask lots of questions, and<br />the parents will provide them with information. It is best to<br />share most of this information before the adolescent years.<br />In this way, children can put the puzzle pieces together as<br />they work on identify formation. In our experience, girls<br />are more likely to ask lots of questions; boys tend not to<br />want to be different and may not display curiosity. All<br />extremes are possible from not wanting to talk about it to<br />talking about it frequently.<br />The best parental stance is to keep the communication<br />lines open and answer questions with as much factual<br />information as possible. If the child asks a question about<br />the donor, and the parent does not have the information,<br />it is best to have empathy for the child and say, “I wish I<br />could answer that question. If I were you, I would want to<br />know, too.” In an open, identified donor or a known donor<br />situation, it may be helpful to write the questions down so<br />the value of the child’s curiosity is validated. The parent can<br />assure the children these questions can be asked of the<br />donor.<br /><br />
<i><b>Adolescence</b></i><br />As children move into their teenage years, they will<br />learn about science, reproduction, and deoxyribonucleic<br />acid (DNA) in school. For some children, this will simply be<br />academic information. However, donor children will identify<br />these scientific concepts with themselves. In teenage<br />years, everything is fair game for challenges and questions.<br />Most adults remember when, as adolescents, they thought,<br />“Parents don’t really know anything. I am so different from<br />them.” The psychological task in adolescent years, as discussed<br />by Erikson (1968), is to individuate, to become a person<br />with individualized needs, tasks, and freedoms. Teens<br />want to find out how they are similar and different from<br />their parents and how they became a unique individual.<br />Donor-conceived children also have to figure out how they<br />are similar and different from the genetic donor. These<br />questions will often challenge the non-genetic parents’<br />authority, which may produce anxiety for parents. The adolescent<br />may say things like “You are not my real parents.”<br />It is best for parents to understand the teenager’s quest for<br />identity without becoming defensive. Parents need to continue<br />to distinguish between the facts of the teen’s conception<br />from the normal responsibilities of parenting.<br />A teenager who now chooses to share information with<br />his or her peers may cause concern for parents because not<br />everyone will understand (or approve of) how the child<br />came to their family. This is a very fine detail because parents<br />want to ensure their teen has pride in him or herself.<br />Some parents might have chosen to maintain more privacy<br />about the methods used for conception. The child, however,<br />is really in charge of who is told, and there may be some<br />surprises along the way.<br /><br />
<u><b>Summary</b></u><br /><br />
Parents who use donor gametes should feel firm and<br />entitled to say they are this child’s parents. Health care<br />providers (doctors, nurses, and social workers) must help<br />these parents. Their decision to bring a child into the world<br />creates continuous consequences for the whole family. The<br />parents’ responsibility is to attach, parent, and educate, and<br />the child’s responsibility is to ask questions to form an<br />identity and find ways to feel secure about the individual<br />he or she is becoming. Participating as the child’s advocate<br />presents many joys and celebrations, as well as many challenges.<br />Pediatric nurses can help families resolve infertility<br />issues and obtain education about donor conception. This<br />advocacy provides the freedom for parents to be proud of<br />their decision, attach to the process, and rejoice for the<br />child who comes to their family. This is a true blessing for<br />everyone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Kris A. Probasco. LSCSW, LCSW is Executive Director,<br />
Adoption & Fertility Resources, A Division of Clinical Counseling Associates, Inc.,<br />Liberty, MO, and Overland Park, KS.<br />Author’s Note: I would like to dedicate this article to my mentors,<br />Annette Baron (author of The Adoption Triangle and Lethal Secrets)<br />and Sharon Kaplan Rozia (author of The Open Adoption Experience).<br />Annette and Sharon have taught me to speak the truth and to encourage<br />parents to speak the truth to their children for the benefit of their<br />children.<br /><br />
<b>References</b><br />Bouchard, T.J., Jr., Lykken, D.T., McGue, M., Segal, N.L., & Tellegan, A.<br />(1990). Sources of human psycological differences: The<br />Minnesota Study of Twins Reared Apart. Science 250(4978), 223-<br />228.<br />Buster, J.E., Bustillo, M., Thorneycroft, I.H., Simon, J.A., Boyers, S.P.,<br />Marshall, J.R., ... Louw, J.A. (1983) Non-surgical transfer of an invivo<br />fertilized donated ovum to an infertility patient. The Lancet,<br />1(8328), 816-817.<br />“Embryo adoption becoming the rage.” (2009, April 19). The<br />Washington Times. Retrieved from http://www.washingtontimes.<br />com/news/2009/apr/19/embryo-adoption-becoming-rage/<br />Erikson, E. (1968). The stages of psychosocial development. New York:<br />Norton.<br />Parr, T. (2003). The family book. New York: Little, Brown & Co.<br />Snowden, R., Mitchell, G.D., & Snowden, E.M. (1983). Artificial reproduction:<br />A social investigation. London: George Allen & Unwin.<br />Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-31895247138805393742013-09-05T13:14:00.000-07:002015-02-01T14:48:04.878-08:00Even after all these years...........It has been 15 (!!) years since I did IVF<br />
and 12 years since my hysterectomy.<br />
<br />
Quite frequently, even after all this time,<br />
my husband will say, "If we would have<br />
had a child........" and then go on to say<br />
something about how we would have<br />
raised him/her.<br />
<br />
It is very annoying to me that I have<br />
to be reminded over and over that we<br />
did not have a child together. When I<br />
tell him it hurts me when he says that, he<br />
apologizes and says he doesn't mean to<br />
bring it up.<br />
<br />
I guess I am just overly sensitive and feel<br />
like I am still being blamed because we<br />
didn't have a child, even after all I (we)<br />
went through to make it happen. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I think to myself,<br />
"Doesn't this infertility issue EVER<br />
go away??"<br />
<br />
I guess not.<br />
<br />
Once infertile, always infertile.<br />
You would think that both he and<br />
I would be over it by now. <br />
<br />
I have no words of wisdom on<br />
how to"forget" the world of<br />
infertility and the pain<br />
and anguish it causes<br />
couples. Just shove<br />
it down somewhere in your<br />
brain and hope it doesn't<br />
surface too often. <br />
<br />
They say that time lessens<br />
the pain. I am not so sure<br />
about that. Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-28643266146872035982012-10-10T09:39:00.002-07:002013-09-05T12:43:33.510-07:00Ultrasounds and SaraAnyone who has ever had<br />
infertility treatments knows<br />
the importance of ultrasounds. <br />
<br />
These aren't the "usual"<br />
ultrasounds with the gel and<br />
full bladder.<br />
<br />
Oh no...these have to be<br />
just a little more uncomfortable<br />
and embarassing.<br />
<br />
These ultrasounds are done<br />
with a vaginal probe.<br />
<br />
Now, don't get me wrong.<br />
As an IVF nurse, I know<br />
how important they are.<br />
<br />
Ultrasounds show many things:<br />
<br />
antral follicle counts - which help to predict ovarian reserve<br />
size of follicles - to determine when to go to retrieval or have an insemination <br />
C-section scarring<br />
empty gestational sac - HATE that ultrasound <br />
ectopic pregnancy - HATE that one too!<br />
<br />
And the best one....<br />
growing little embryos :) LOVE that ultrasound!<br />
<br />
Sara is an excellent ultrasound technician.<br />
She is one of the most compassionate people I know.<br />
You will want her there whether it is good or bad because<br />
she will give you the most hope and the most comfort. <br />
<br />
Our clinic is great in that it allows the ultrasonographer<br />
the liberty of telling the patient what is going on - good or bad - without<br />
having to wait those few minutes for the physician.<br />
<br />
I have seen Sara many times help couples cope through a bad<br />
ultrasound. She doesn't run out of the room to get the doctor.<br />
She stays, she explains and she sends someone else to get the<br />
doctor! <br />
<br />
Thank you Sara! <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1117678679270777272012-10-03T07:03:00.002-07:002012-10-03T09:58:50.636-07:00Dr. "D"Dr. "D" is a kind<br />
and gentle doctor.<br />
In fact, he always<br />
says that "gentle" is his<br />
middle name.<br />
And he is right.<br />
<br />
He looks like<br />
Harry Potter, and<br />
he loves to read.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think that Dr. "D"<br />
has been just about<br />
everywhere and has<br />
done everything!<br />
If you've been<br />
somewhere, he has<br />
been there too or<br />
he has a story about the<br />
place.<br />
<br />
He is a walking hormone<br />
encyclopedia. And he<br />
can quote just about every<br />
study that's been published.<br />
<br />
He served our country in <br />
Vietnam. A flight surgeon.<br />
I think the memories of that war<br />
have scarred him. He hates to fly<br />
after all those years in a helicopter<br />
and will drive whenever possible. <br />
<br />
Dr. D is the best when it comes to<br />
IVF. He is smart and gentle and<br />
kind and if you ever have a chance<br />
for him to be your physician, you will<br />
be a lucky woman. Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-75158550268874244292007-05-13T18:17:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:55:39.490-07:00Mother's DayOne of the hardest days<br />
of the year.<br />
<br />
As far as I'm concerned,<br />
it's all the "potential" <br />
mothers who need the applause,<br />
cards, gifts and flowers.<br />
<br />
It's the women struggling <br />
with infertility that deserve<br />
a day, a week, a month dedicated<br />
to their struggle.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, it's a topic<br />
no one wants to talk about.<br />
<br />
The fertile don't want to<br />
know or hear about the plight<br />
of the infertile.<br />
<br />
It's one of the "unfairness<br />
of life" ordeals that no one<br />
can explain or find a reason<br />
or purpose for...most of all the<br />
couples going through it.<br />
<br />
So to all those women who are<br />
crying today and avoiding church<br />
and wishing the day would go away..<br />
I've thought about you today and<br />
understand your pain and want you<br />
to know that it's just a 24 hour<br />
deal and tomorrow is another<br />
day.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1117058864994725162007-05-06T14:53:00.000-07:002020-08-03T10:23:18.518-07:00IVF and WarShe came to the clinic<br />
for her first appointment<br />
along with her husband.<br />
<br />
She cried and cried.<br />
<br />
He was leaving for war<br />
in a week.<br />
<br />
He was macho and composed<br />
as all men are when they are<br />
going off to "fight."<br />
OO-Rah<br />
<br />
At the end of the appointment<br />
the nurse didn't know what to say.<br />
<br />
What can you say to someone<br />
who is essentially a<br />
stranger, but may never<br />
return from war??<br />
Take care? Good luck?<br />
Hope you'll be OK?<br />
See you later??<br />
All she could manage<br />
was "Be safe."<br />
<br />
The wife was going to<br />
do IVF without him.<br />
Go through her first<br />
cycle alone.<br />
<br />
It's incredible that<br />
she would want to get<br />
pregnant and possibly<br />
be a single parent.<br />
<br />
Whenever she came to the clinic<br />
the nurse gave her TLC.<br />
The nurse went up to the procedure<br />
area the morning of her<br />
retrieval, so she would<br />
see a familiar face.<br />
<br />
She was tearful.<br />
When she was waking up<br />
she was crying. She<br />
wanted her husband.<br />
The staff wanted him to be<br />
there too.<br />
<br />
In spite of all<br />
her effort,<br />
she didn't get pregnant.<br />
She suffered alone,<br />
without him.<br />
<br />
While he was fighting<br />
a war, she was fighting<br />
for her fertility.<br />
<br />
What a terrible thing<br />
war is.<br />
<br />
What a terrible thing<br />
infertility is.<br />
<br />
She deserved a medal<br />
for bravery and courage<br />
to endure it.<br />
<br />
The ending was happy.<br />
Although the war<br />
wasn't over,<br />
her husband came home.<br />
She got pregnant on her<br />
own.<br />
<br />
She won the fight..<br />
<br />
In spite of a war and<br />
IVF, she delivered a<br />
healthy baby.<br />
<br />
Thank you God.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-29063410345997600452007-03-13T16:43:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:53:42.140-07:00The new Mothers in my lifeI am now concentrating on a<br />
different type of mother...<br />
<br />
We bought 3 pregnant cows and<br />
waiting for them to deliver is<br />
driving me crazy!<br />
<br />
They are supposed to deliver<br />
in March / April<br />
However, 3 weeks ago we had<br />
a boy!!<br />
<br />
Now there are two more to go.<br />
I've been home the past 5<br />
days. I am sitting in the sunroom<br />
studying for my college classes and<br />
looking out the window every 5<br />
minutes.<br />
<br />
I'm watching the little one like a<br />
hawk, although so is his mother!<br />
I'm constantly looking at the<br />
other 2 mothers to see if I can<br />
tell if they are going into labor.<br />
<br />
I've never owned cows and<br />
wouldn't know how to tell if<br />
they are laboring except<br />
for what I've read on the internet.<br />
<br />
It's making me so nervous!<br />
<br />
But even the birth of a calf is<br />
such a miracle. <br />
<br />
I wonder if cows are ever<br />
infertile????Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-11393866905832310002007-01-24T14:47:00.000-08:002020-08-03T10:50:45.785-07:00Behind Closed DoorsI just finished reading the new<br />
book "Behind Closed Doors."<br />
It was published by Mikki<br />
Morrisette in cooperation<br />
with the Donor Sibling Registry.<br />
<br />
It is a book that tells the story<br />
of donor conception from the<br />
side of the donor, the donor conceived<br />
child and the parents of those<br />
children.<br />
<br />
I read it in one sitting.<br />
It was sad and insightful and<br />
truthful. <br />
<br />
Conceiving a child with the<br />
use of donor gametes creates<br />
so many feelings and touches<br />
more than the parent and the<br />
child. <br />
<br />
The feelings range from joy,<br />
excitement, fear, guilt, longing,<br />
shame, love, understanding, anger,<br />
jealousy, and acceptance.<br />
<br />
If you know anyone that has<br />
used donor gametes or third<br />
party reproduction, this is an<br />
excellent book for them to read.<br />
<br />
I think it should also be a mandatory book<br />
for health professionals involved in the<br />
reproductive endocrinology field. <br />
<br />
It really opened my eyes to all<br />
the consequences that evolve from<br />
these forms of assisted reproduction.<br />
<br />
I appreciate all the people<br />
who put their feelings out there<br />
for the public to view.<br />
Good job everyone!Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-55620163893140835612006-12-27T18:10:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:52:31.150-07:00go away guiltI'm sick of it.<br />
I'm sick of feeling<br />
guilty for something<br />
that is beyond my control.<br />
<br />
Other people lay the<br />
guilt on.<br />
Like my FIL<br />
who makes comments<br />
about us not having<br />
a baby.<br />
He once was in a<br />
baby store while<br />
my MIL was buying<br />
a gift for a friend.<br />
The salesperson asked<br />
if the gift was for their<br />
grandchild.<br />
My FIL said:<br />
"I wish"<br />
<br />
Oh the guilt<br />
and the pain.<br />
My DH is an<br />
only child.<br />
No child for him.<br />
No grandchild for<br />
them.<br />
<br />
I tried. I suffered<br />
through multiple<br />
IUI's and IVF.<br />
I was poked, prodded<br />
and exposed to all<br />
the mean things that<br />
the GYN Dr. could offer.<br />
<br />
And still it didn't happen.<br />
<br />
Most of the time<br />
I can blow the guilt away.<br />
But some days, it hangs over<br />
me like a dark cloud.<br />
<br />
I want to be defined by<br />
my other achievements,<br />
not by whether I was<br />
fertile. <br />
Doesn't it matter that I<br />
have a college education?<br />
A good job? That I<br />
wrote and published<br />
children's books? That I ran<br />
a 5K? That I serve on the<br />
board of directors for an<br />
infertility support organization?<br />
That I was published in a<br />
Canadian infertility magazine?<br />
That I worked twenty years<br />
in an Emergency Room and<br />
helped save many lives?<br />
<br />
How can all those things be<br />
treated as trivial? Why is<br />
"infertile" how I am<br />
defined?<br />
<br />
Guilt go away.<br />
I have to study for<br />
my college class, I have<br />
to send out some books<br />
I've sold, I have to go<br />
to work in the IVF Clinic<br />
and try and help someone else<br />
achieve a pregnancy, so<br />
they don't have to feel the<br />
guilt that comes with the<br />
failure to achieve a<br />
pregnancy.<br />
Go away guilt. I'm too busy<br />
moving on with my life.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1166059112324154312006-12-13T17:11:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:51:31.664-07:00Two IS A FamilySometimes, when we<br />
are struggling with infertility<br />
and under a mountain of pain,<br />
it is hard to remember that we<br />
have a partner. Someone we<br />
promised to love, honor and<br />
cherish.<br />
Someone we married to become<br />
a family.<br />
<br />
When the holidays roll around,<br />
so much of the world is focused on<br />
toys and Santa and children.<br />
It is then we need to get closer to<br />
our partner and remember why<br />
we fell in love and what the good<br />
parts of our relationship are.<br />
<br />
By remembering that "two is a<br />
family" we will be able to cope better and<br />
maybe., just next year, it will<br />
be three.....Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1165611473655272262006-12-08T12:50:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:51:05.107-07:00What to do if you find yourself infertileI guess the title is a little<br />
misleading.<br />
This post isn't about medical treatments<br />
or doctors.<br />
It's about still feeling good about<br />
yourself in spite of all the pain.<br />
<br />
I decided to take some of my<br />
anger and pain and go back<br />
to school.<br />
<br />
I once had a counselor say to me<br />
"Take all this angry energy and go<br />
get your PhD."<br />
(wise woman!)<br />
Well, I'm not getting my PhD, but I am<br />
going back to college.<br />
<br />
Believe me, returning to college<br />
after 20 years, takes your mind<br />
TOTALLY off infertility!<br />
In fact, your head is spinning so<br />
fast, you won't even have a<br />
moment to yourself!<br />
You won't have one minute to<br />
obsess, think about your period,<br />
do any medical treatments,<br />
or keep up with your blog<br />
posts!<br />
<br />
So, I haven't gone away,<br />
I haven't forgotten<br />
about my blog or any of you.<br />
I'm just taking my angry energy<br />
and going back to college!<br />
<br />
I'll still be posting between<br />
class, tests and breaks!Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1158884892451275312006-09-21T17:20:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:50:29.770-07:00A way to provide comfortI went to an infertility support meeting.<br />
A new couple was there.<br />
Their pain was palpable.<br />
Us "old" timers told our story<br />
and they briefly told theirs.<br />
<br />
The wife cried and expressed<br />
all the feelings we have had:<br />
jealousy over others who can get<br />
pregnant, fear that her husband will<br />
leave her because she may not be able<br />
to give him a child, mad at God,<br />
feeling ashamed that she is so angry,<br />
hating baby showers and Mother's<br />
Day at church.<br />
<br />
She wanted us to tell her when it<br />
would be over. She wanted to know<br />
if she remained childless, how long it<br />
would take her to accept it.<br />
<br />
We weren't able to answer her question.<br />
We could only assure her it was normal<br />
to feel all the things she was feeling.<br />
It was acceptable to give herself permission<br />
not to attend baby showers. It was OK<br />
to skip church on Mother's Day. She was<br />
not alone. <br />
<br />
I don't know if it helped. I hope so.<br />
The struggle with infertility is so<br />
painful and unfair and emotional.<br />
I hope she can find a little peace<br />
as she continues on her journey.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1154881150556930822006-08-06T08:57:00.000-07:002020-08-03T10:26:04.833-07:00Goodbye Dr. Craig<a href="http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/med/obgyn/infertility/faculty/images/syrop.jpg"><br /></a>
Dr. Craig is moving on to<br />
bigger and better things.<br />
<br />
A new and important<br />
job. We will still see his<br />
smiling face, but he will<br />
no longer be running our<br />
program.<br />
<br />
He leaves behind an<br />
ambivalent IVF staff.<br />
We are happy and proud<br />
of him. We wish him all the<br />
best in his new position.<br />
But we mourn the loss of his<br />
friendship, medical expertise,<br />
kindness, immense knowledge<br />
of IVF and his humor.<br />
<br />
He leaves behind a population<br />
of happy patients. Patients<br />
who never would have become<br />
parents without him.<br />
<br />
He started our IVF program in 1987. <br />
Over the years, through<br />
his leadership, we have grown<br />
and progressed and created many<br />
lives along the way.<br />
<br />
He is our "Yoda."<br />
In the Star Wars Universe,<br />
Yoda is the wisest,<br />
most revered<br />
and the most powerful of the<br />
Jedi Masters.<br />
Dr. Craig is our wisest and most<br />
revered master of IVF.<br />
<br />
We are sad to see him go<br />
but know he touched not<br />
only the lives of his patients,<br />
but also the staff who worked<br />
with him.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1153962566345118132006-07-26T18:01:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:47:38.139-07:00How do you know when you've had enough?How do you know when you're<br />
through with infertility treatments?<br />
<br />
How do you know when to stop?<br />
<br />
When I first started on the<br />
journey down infertility road,<br />
I said "I will <u>never</u> do IVF. It's<br />
too invasive."<br />
<br />
Never say never!<br />
<br />
Eight inseminations later and<br />
at age 41, there I was in the<br />
IVF clinic.<br />
<br />
I only had a 10% chance of<br />
conceiving.<br />
10 % !!!<br />
<br />
I thought I could beat the odds.<br />
I kept thinking "If Christie Brinkley<br />
can do it, so can I!"<br />
(That's a whole other story now<br />
isn't it?)<br />
<br />
Anyway...........<br />
I didn't beat the odds.<br />
We were offered donor eggs.<br />
We flatly refused.<br />
Years later, I doubted whether<br />
we had made the right decision<br />
to stop.<br />
<br />
Eventually, I had a hysterectomy,<br />
thanks to the terrible monster<br />
called endometriosis.<br />
Even now, years later,<br />
I still feel grief.<br />
I still feel that yearning for the<br />
little baby girl I just KNEW I<br />
would have.<br />
How do you know when you've<br />
had enough?<br />
I have no idea.<br />
You may never know either.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1153333623714563322006-07-19T11:18:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:46:36.117-07:00Writing it all down....Researchers have shown<br />
that writing down your feelings<br />
can help you move on and lay to<br />
rest the upsets, fears and diappointments<br />
in your life.<br />
<br />
Some people write a journal.<br />
Some people write poetry.<br />
Some people blog.<br />
<br />
I'm afraid to keep a journal.<br />
It's not something I would<br />
want anyone to read.<br />
I'm not very good at<br />
poetry (although I have never<br />
really tried it.)<br />
So I blog.<br />
<br />
I blog to heal from my<br />
own infertility.<br />
I blog in hopes of<br />
helping others.<br />
I blog to put my thoughts<br />
"on paper."<br />
<br />
My friend writes poetry<br />
about infertility.<br />
I've read her poems. I feel<br />
her pain and passion and<br />
sense of freedom as she<br />
takes control of her<br />
own life.<br />
<br />
Perhaps by writing it down,<br />
we too, can heal, recover,<br />
and regain<br />
the control that infertility<br />
takes from us.<br />
<br />
Write On!!Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1145582088752782732006-04-20T18:08:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:45:53.242-07:00PetsI have a friend whose<br />
pet lab has lung cancer.<br />
A dog she has had for 15 years.<br />
A dog that gave her comfort, licked her<br />
tears and hovered over her when she<br />
struggled with infertility and<br />
miscarriage.<br />
<br />
Somehow, pets know.<br />
<br />
I'm so sad for her dog and<br />
for her. <br />
Grief is once again on the<br />
horizen. A grief that she<br />
knows is coming. There<br />
is no hope.<br />
<br />
At least with<br />
infertility, there is always a<br />
tiny bit of hope. Even if it<br />
is the size of a grain of sand.<br />
<br />
Life is full of sadness.<br />
<br />
Tears well as I think of her.<br />
<br />
I, too, have dogs that are labs.<br />
Dogs who have licked my tears<br />
and comforted me many times.<br />
I kiss each one and tell them<br />
that I love them. <br />
One of the best things<br />
God made.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1137298601652894102006-01-14T20:09:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:44:41.720-07:00After awhile....After awhile, your quest<br />
for a baby consumes you.<br />
You're searching everywhere<br />
for an answer....for hope....for<br />
a sign that you will get pregnant<br />
someday.<br />
<br />
After awhile, you will reach a<br />
point where you will know that<br />
everything happens for a reason and<br />
getting pregnant happens when it is<br />
supposed to.<br />
<br />
Try and remember that the sun does<br />
come up every day and that Winter<br />
does turn into Spring.<br />
You can count on that.<br />
<br />
Never give up your hope.<br />
Because even though it is cold and<br />
dreary and your period just came.....<br />
Spring is around the corner.<br />
<br />
Hold on to the hope that your<br />
period is NOT around the corner<br />
and with Spring<br />
comes new life.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1135536748835984132005-12-25T10:48:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:43:35.146-07:00It's almost overToday is Christmas Day.<br />
In a few hours, the holidays<br />
that you may have dreaded<br />
will be over.<br />
<br />
New Year's will be here<br />
and with that, comes the promise<br />
of "out with the old, in with the<br />
new."<br />
<br />
The year will be gone and<br />
perhaps will take your<br />
infertility with it!<br />
<br />
With the New year, comes the<br />
hope of a new baby, and as<br />
long as you have hope, you<br />
can make it through anything.<br />
<br />
Happy New Year to everyone<br />
and may the year bring you the<br />
peace and joy you are looking for.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1131589615573423942005-11-09T17:21:00.000-08:002012-10-03T09:42:42.277-07:00"Oh the weather outside is frightful" (Not really, but the Holidays are)It's coming.<br />
That dreaded time of year<br />
for people who are stressed<br />
and angry and sad from the toll that<br />
infertility is taking.<br />
<br />
What is a person supposed<br />
to do during this time of<br />
great cheer and Santa Claus?<br />
Get in bed, cover your head<br />
and come out for the adult<br />
holiday called New Year's Eve?<br />
<br />
Sounds like a good idea huh?<br />
<br />
Here are a few other, more<br />
realistic things you can do.<br />
<br />
*Take a break from treatment. A couple<br />
of weeks or even a month free of<br />
doctors, injections, planned intercourse,<br />
pee sticks, temperature taking, marking<br />
off your cycle days on a calendar, yada, yada,<br />
yada, will not compromise your journey towards<br />
pregnancy.<br />
Give yourself permission to ditch all of<br />
it...... just for a little while.<br />
<br />
*Go ahead and go to the office<br />
party, because no one will bring<br />
their children to that!<br />
<br />
*Skip the family get together and<br />
go on a vacation to a warm sunny place<br />
or a snowy ski lodge. (whichever is the<br />
opposite of the weather you're having!)<br />
<br />
*If you absolutely can't skip the family<br />
stuff, be on your guard and have a few<br />
rehearsed answers for the questions<br />
you may be asked. Here is a really good<br />
and simple one: if anyone mentions<br />
anything about children, pregnancy, or<br />
infertility, politely say:<br />
"We aren't talking about that subject this month."<br />
And don't allow them to make you answer their<br />
questions. If they pry, just repeat it again:<br />
"We aren't talking about that subject this<br />
month."<br />
<br />
*Try a few little romantic dinners at<br />
restaurants that don't cater to children.<br />
Go to the restaurant that serves French<br />
cuisine and skip "Chucky Cheese."<br />
<br />
* Stay out of the mall on weekends.<br />
<br />
*Rent some funny movies. You need a<br />
few laughs.<br />
<br />
*Get a "his and her" massage.<br />
<br />
*Now is a good time to visit your older relatives, such as<br />
grandparents and great aunts and uncles. You can<br />
take them dinner and there's a good possibility<br />
there won't be any children around.<br />
<br />
*Do not feel obligated to attend any function, even<br />
on Christmas Day, if it will be too painful for you.<br />
You are an adult, and you need to take care of you.<br />
Tell everyone you don't feel well. (You probably won't<br />
be lying!) Then stay home, wear your pajamas - since<br />
you don't feel well :) Eat some comfort food and read a good<br />
book.<br />
<br />
*If you have a cat or dog, they are one of the<br />
nicest things God has made. So love on them<br />
and accept their unconditional love for you.<br />
<br />
*Sometimes some of the best ways to help<br />
yourself, is to help others. Go to a shelter and<br />
serve Christmas dinner. Or invite an elderly person<br />
with no family, to your house for Christmas Day.<br />
<br />
*Most of all, remember that in the end, Christmas Day<br />
is just another day in the year and you will get<br />
through it and you will survive.<br />
<br />
And after the holidays have passed, you can choose<br />
to get back on that roller coaster and perhaps<br />
you will have that little child you're yearning for<br />
by the time next Christmas rolls around.Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1131216985684897732005-11-05T09:38:00.000-08:002015-02-12T11:49:15.607-08:00Single Mothers by ChoiceWhen I initially created the<br />
"Before You Were Born...Our<br />
Wish For A Baby" storybooks<br />
for specially conceived children,<br />
I published ten different versions.<br />
I thought that I had covered the most<br />
common forms of assisted reproduction.<br />
I was wrong.<br />
I promptly received about 50 emails<br />
from single mothers who<br />
wanted a version for their<br />
children.<br />
I had no idea there was such a<br />
huge community of single mothers<br />
by choice. <br />
I began to research this and my eyes<br />
were opened to a whole different<br />
world of children conceived by<br />
assisted reproduction.<br />
(The IVF clinic, where I worked did not<br />
treat single women at the time.)<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, this community of<br />
single women, who choose to become<br />
mothers, had a need that I felt<br />
obligated to help with.<br />
Therefore, versions for single parents<br />
were published. They were so<br />
popular that they are now out of<br />
print and I am working on a solution<br />
for a reprint. (I use my own personal<br />
money to print the books and it costs<br />
thousands of dollars.)<br />
<br />
Since that time, I have received many<br />
kind emails from parents,<br />
authors, journalists and advocates<br />
for single mothers.<br />
One of those emails was from<br />
Mikki Morrissette.<br />
She is an advocate for SMC as well as<br />
being a "Choice Mom" herself.<br />
(I really like that phrase!)<br />
The word "choice" is defined as the<br />
"power, right or liberty to choose."<br />
It is also defined as the "best or most<br />
preferable; of very fine quality."<br />
Both definitions apply to this group of women.<br />
Not only do they choose to be a mother,<br />
but they also choose to be a <i>SINGLE </i><i>PARENT</i>,<br />
which can be pretty tough sometimes.<br />
So, if you are already a choice mom<br />
or a single woman<br />
contemplating whether being<br />
a choice mom is for you, please<br />
visit Mikki's website.<br />
You can purchase her book:<br />
"Choosing Single Motherhood...The<br />
Thinking Woman's Guide."<br />
This book covers many important topics<br />
such as: typical everyday concerns,<br />
children growing up in single parent<br />
homes, methods of becoming a single<br />
mom, day to day parenting, resources,<br />
and how the children of single moms<br />
are doing.<br />
Her website also provides information,<br />
resources, networking and support.<br />
Thank you Mikki, for the important<br />
work you are doing for choice moms.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com/">http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com</a>Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1130117709550578082005-10-23T17:46:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:40:10.649-07:00Empty Stroller RallyToday is the first day of<br />
National Infertility Awareness Week.<br />
Kind of ironic.<br />
The people that know about this<br />
are already aware of infertility.<br />
The people that never experienced<br />
infertilty, don't know and probably don't<br />
really care about it.<br />
It's not exactly a Hallmark Card<br />
inspired day.<br />
Although it should be.<br />
<br />
We all met up at Cathy Boyes' <br />
house for introductions and<br />
instructions.<br />
She had everything ready for<br />
the rally. It was very<br />
successful. She made the<br />
evening news.<br />
<br />
People walked past the information<br />
tables and a few stopped. But not many.<br />
There we were, a group of people<br />
in all phases of the journey.<br />
Some starting treatment, some moving<br />
on and some finished.<br />
There was an emotional bond of<br />
pain, grief, and anger.<br />
We were kindred spirits.<br />
All on the same page.<br />
We understood perfectly the<br />
twists and turns in the road.<br />
<br />
I don't know why I think that<br />
life is supposed to be fair.<br />
It isn't. <br />
I saw the unfairness of life<br />
throughout my ER career.<br />
And now I see it with infertility.<br />
<br />
The couples who endure fertility<br />
treatments<br />
should be rewarded.<br />
If medals were given<br />
for enduring infertility<br />
treatments, we would each<br />
have a purple heart, and a<br />
medal for valor<br />
and one for bravery.<br />
<br />
But it's not medals we're looking<br />
for. It's that tiny little<br />
baby to place in a stroller<br />
and push around the mall.<br />
So we can walk past displays<br />
that don't affect us or apply to<br />
our lives...and head straight<br />
for the toy store.<br />
<br />
<br />Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1128740687870342012005-10-07T19:40:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:38:23.455-07:00Counseling helpsInfertility can drive you crazy....<br />
<br />
Not all at once...but slow... and subtle...<br />
and insidiously.....it sneaks up.<br />
<br />
You start off trying to get pregnant<br />
just like everyone else.<br />
And you and your partner are having<br />
fun!<br />
You have a special little smile on<br />
your faces, because you two have a<br />
"secret." And you're just waiting<br />
to be able to burst out in song<br />
to everyone that you're pregnant.<br />
<br />
And gosh, a couple of months go by<br />
and your period keeps coming on time.<br />
It starts to get a little annoying.<br />
So you try harder. And you know<br />
exactly when the right moment is.<br />
and sex becomes a "must" and<br />
maybe you just don't feel like having<br />
sex tonight or this minute. But you have<br />
too, because if you don't, then you'll miss<br />
a whole month.<br />
<br />
And now, you're getting worried and feeling<br />
a little stressed and sex becomes not so much<br />
fun. And the smile on your face has been<br />
wiped right off.<br />
<br />
You're off to the doctor now and being<br />
poked, prodded, questioned,<br />
examined and they're testing your blood<br />
and your private parts, and your cervical<br />
mucus and your husband's sperm...<br />
<br />
Congratulations...instead of bursting<br />
out in song, you're bursting into tears.<br />
You have now joined the 6 million other<br />
poor people who have infertility.<br />
Welcome to a club you had no wish<br />
to join.<br />
<br />
There is help out there. FIND IT!<br />
Every good clinic should have a<br />
counselor that is specially trained<br />
to help you. If the clinic doesn't have<br />
one, start asking around.<br />
<br />
<b>Do Not Be Ashamed</b>.<br />
<b>Counselors are good.</b><br />
<br />
Seeing a counselor doesn't mean you<br />
are crazy (but infertility will make you<br />
feel crazy!)<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Counselors are your lifeline. They are</span><br />
someone who is objective and non-judgmental,<br />
someone you can freely talk to, someone to vent to,<br />
someone who can answer your questions,<br />
someone who can help you keep<br />
your self esteem, when you feel like a<br />
failure.<br />
<br />
They will be there to help you when<br />
your journey with infertility ends and you're<br />
finally pregnant and they will also<br />
be there to help you with your grief and loss<br />
if your journey ends without a pregnancy.<br />
<br />
Don't go it alone, it's too tough to do.<br />
Visit this blog for information<br />
on how to find a good counselor.<br />
<a href="http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/">http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/</a>Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13073846.post-1127521493299829612005-09-23T16:58:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:36:11.235-07:00Fears about assisted reproduction<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I might pick the wrong doctor.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I may have waited too long.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">It is my fault that my husband and</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I can't conceive.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">It is my husband's fault we can't</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">have a child.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">They won't let me try IVF at all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I won't be able to stand all the shots</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">and blood draws.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">The retrieval may hurt too much.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I might not have any eggs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">My eggs might not fertilize.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">They might mix the sperm up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">They might mix the embryos up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">They might give our embryos to</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">someone else without our permission.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I might have twins, one black and one</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">white, just like that couple in Europe.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I use donor sperm, my husband</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">won't be able to handle it and we</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">will divorce.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I use donor eggs, will I feel like a</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">"real" mother?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I'm afraid if I have too many</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">embryos, I will not know what to do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">with them later.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I don't want to discard or "kill" our</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">potential child.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I don't want to give them up to </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">research. What kind of parent does </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">that make me???</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I don't want to donate my embryos </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">because I am afraid that the recipient</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">parents won't be good parents.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I donate them, will those children</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"> look for me later?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will I look for them later?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will I be walking down the street and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">see "my child."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">What do I tell the children that I have?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Do I tell them that they have siblings</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">somewhere and I don't know where?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">When they fall in love and get married,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">will I be sure that they aren't marrying their </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">sibling (however remote that possibility is.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If my "donated" children look me up </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">later, how do I explain that I got pregnant and kept</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">some of my embryos, but not them? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I used donor eggs or sperm, will</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">my family or friends judge me?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Does that mean I'm inferior?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will my family accept my children?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will I tell my children they were donor-conceived?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">When will I tell them?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">How will I tell them?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I don't tell them, will they</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">find out anyway?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">What happens if they accidentally</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">find out?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will they reject my husband or I?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will they want to look for the donor?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will they think I was selfish to use </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">assisted reproduction to conceive them?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Will they feel different?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">If I can't carry a child, what happens</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">if the surrogate doesn't want to give</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">the baby up?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I'm afraid, afraid, afraid.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">I've heard the horror stories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">There is one thing to help me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Knowledge is power. I will</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">learn everything there is to learn</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">and I will make sure that what I </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">learn is true information. Then I can make</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">correct decisions and I will be less afraid.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">And I am not alone.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">Thousands of others have done</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">this before me. I will learn from</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;">them and lean on them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"></span>Janicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01399178657995102168noreply@blogger.com1