go away guilt

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of feeling
guilty for something
that is beyond my control.

Other people lay the
guilt on.
Like my FIL
who makes comments
about us not having
a baby.
He once was in a
baby store while
my MIL was buying
a gift for a friend.
The salesperson asked
if the gift was for their
grandchild.
My FIL said:
"I wish"

Oh the guilt
and the pain.
My DH is an
only child.
No child for him.
No grandchild for
them.

I tried. I suffered
through multiple
IUI's and IVF.
I was poked, prodded
and exposed to all
the mean things that
the GYN Dr. could offer.

And still it didn't happen.

Most of the time
I can blow the guilt away.
But some days, it hangs over
me like a dark cloud.

I want to be defined by
my other achievements,
not by whether I was
fertile.
Doesn't it matter that I
have a college education?
A good job? That I
wrote and published
children's books? That I ran
a 5K? That I serve on the
board of directors for an
infertility support organization?
That I was published in a
Canadian infertility magazine?
That I worked twenty years
in an Emergency Room and
helped save many lives?

How can all those things be
treated as trivial? Why is
"infertile" how I am
defined?

Guilt go away.
I have to study for
my college class, I have
to send out some books
I've sold, I have to go
to work in the IVF Clinic
and try and help someone else
achieve a pregnancy, so
they don't have to feel the
guilt that comes with the
failure to achieve a
pregnancy.
Go away guilt. I'm too busy
moving on with my life.

3 comments:

DI_Dad said...

Juast wanted to send you an Internet hug after reading this. I had read it the other day but was unsure what to say and now I think just letting know that there are many of us out here I am sure that want to let you know we care and are here acknowledging the pain you are feeling.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Dear Janice,

Wanted to wish you a Happy, Peaceful 2007.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Dear Janice,

Wanted to wish you a Happy, Peaceful 2007.